


We're all fucked in the head

by Sykopath



Series: Bring Me The Horizon [2]
Category: Bring Me The Horizon
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bipolar Disorder, Bulimia, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Drug Use, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Multiple Personalities, Muteness, Panic Attacks, References to Drugs, Relapsing, Self-Harm, Sleep Deprivation, Songfic, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-14 20:37:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16048109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sykopath/pseuds/Sykopath
Summary: *PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS WILL BE TRIGGERING TO SOME READERS, SO BEFORE READING CHECK OUT THE TAGS AND DECIDE APPROPRIATELY AS TO IF YOU SHOULD READ OR NOT. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.*Let's All Sing AlongA Little Goddamn Louder To A Happy SongAnd Pretend It's All Ok





	We're all fucked in the head

**Author's Note:**

> First songfic, so don't be too hasty to say I'm crap - I already know. Some parts of the song have beeb edited or taken out, so don't be too pent up about wrong lyrics or lyrics missing.

_S.P.I.R.I.T._  
_Spirit, let's hear it_  
_Let's go!_

 

Oli rolled his eyes, pulling his hood to cover his head, shying away from the peering eyes. He wasn't usually one to shy away from attention, usually attempting to gain it any way he could, but the feel of everyone eyes digging into him, trying to work him out, judging him before knowing him, made him twist in discomfort. Seeing as he no longer had the comfort of Ketamine to calm he, he decided his more peaceful approach would suffice for the moment.

Not that Ketamine wasn't a good solution, but he couldn't exactly take out his stash without either being judged or having it taken away from him. Besides, he _wanted_ to try, he _needed_ to try and get better. So long as he had _spirit_ , had _hope_ , he _would_ get better. He couldn't remain his lifestyle of terrorising his brother until Tom cowered in fear away from him.

He was _not_ going to stay that person. He _would_ get better.

 

The receptionist, some blonde bimbo they probably grabbed from the street, sneered at the sight of him, and Oli no longer had the hope and spirit he started his recovery with. If some receptionist was this judgementative, how would the other patient react to him?

He gulped at the thought and shook his head. He'd be _fine_.  He'd always been an alpha male, so anyone who dared disagree with him or crossed his path wouldn't have a very pleasant fate.

Barbie, as he rudely nicknamed the woman, quickly showed him around the institute, reminding him of the schedule of the place _several times_ before leaving him alone in his room. She had informed him that he had a roommate, but he assumed they would pack up soon enough. He'd make them, he was sure of it.

 _So much for spirit_ , he thought to himself.

 

 _I've had enough_  
_There's a voice in my head_  
_Says I'm better off dead_

 

Oli sat alone during the scheduled lunch time. He had been itching for any type of score of drugs he could get, and it had only been a few hours. Oli didn't see much chance of him surviving this place, and was sure that they be rid of him soon. Whether they kicked him out or found his corpse, he wasn't sure, but his mind was already made up.

He pulled his hood up subconsciously, fiddling with his fingers. He closed his eyes peacefully, sat in his own company before someone tapped him on the shoulder. He sneered, turning around to glare at the person.

He was met with a short guy, with dark brown hair covered by a beanie, hunched into himself in what Oli assumed was anxiety. Oli raised his eyebrows at him, expecting him to say something, but was met with silence.

"Can I fucking help you?" Oli spat, impatiently tapping his foot. The guy remained silent, looking around panicked. Oli scoffed, rolling his eyes before a taller man ran over.

"Lee, you can't fucking wonder off like that." The taller male scolded.

 _So shortie was named Lee_ , Oli noted.

"And who the fuck are you?" Oli asked sarcastically.

The male stated at him blankly, and Lee grabbed into his arms.

"Let me guess. You aren't going to fucking answer me either." Oli laughed. "You can fuck off if you aren't eveb going to give me the common decency of who the fuck you are."

"Name's Matt." The male sighed. "S'probably easier for you to call me Kean though."

"Whys that?" Oli asked curiously.

"Why the fuck do you think?" Matt retorted. Oli whistled, holding his hands up defensively. Matt rolled his eyes, running a hand through his blonde hair.

Oli frowned, staring at Matt's arms. They were covered in cuts, evidently self inflicted, and looked raw to the bone. The guy didn't seem too bad, so if someone like him was struggling, Oli _knew_ he had no hope. 

"There's more than one Matt." He explained, snapping his fingers in front of Oli's face to grab his attention. "Anyway-"

"So what's your story them, Kean?" Oli asked, smirking. Matt twitched, his head snapping to the side, and Lee's eyes widened.

"You want to know Keanie boys and I's story? How sweet!" Matt giggled. "No one ever seems to care anymore! It's so sad... So traumatic. I never leave him alone, I'm constant torment to him, the nightmare in his head that never leaves! Such a shame pretty boy hasn't listened to me yet..."

"The fuck?" Oli asked, looking at Lee for the answer. Lee, however remained panicked, trying to usher the other male away. However, Matt picked up a butter knife, giggling like a maniac as he dragged it violently across his arms, blood dripping onto the floor. 

Lee only succeeded when two other male patitents came running over, followed by some men in uniform, who Oli assumed were some sort of workers for the institute.

"They better not fucking hurt him." One of the males spat, his arm wrapped around Lee's confortingly, watching as they dragged Matt away. The other male shook his head, sighing.

Oli could faintly hear the males dragging Matt away discussing how many times they've dealt with him. Oli almost winced at the number, and wished he had taken pity and been nicer to the guy.

"You know that's not likely, Matt." The smaller of the two sighed sadly, pulling the ends of his sweater sleeves over his hands. The sweater practically _drowned_ the male, and hung off him loosely. 

"What the fuck was that?" Oli finally questioned, and the three other males looked at him.

"Vegan'll be fine." Matt, or who Oli assumed  Matt, stated, though Oli gathered it was more for the other two males than him.

"Vegan?" He asked. None of them answered him, until he slammed his hands on the table, to which Lee and the male whose name he hadn't yet learnt flinched back, and Matt growled at him, stepping towards him threateningly.

"You don't fucking know what runs around here, mate. And if I need to put you in place, so be it." He growled, pushing his forehead against Oli's. Lee pulled him back, trying to calm the situation, but Matt shoved him away into the smaller male, who squeaked before slamming onto the floor, Lee landing ontop of him.

Matt immediately turned around, eyes widening at the sight. Oli sighed in relief, standing up to run off, to which Matt scoffed at him.

"Run along, pussy." He spat, lending a hand to Lee to help him up.

"Says the one who shoves his friends." Oli laughed before walking off.

He was definitely going to end up as a corpse, and he was sure his death was going to be caused by the people, not even his drugs.

_Maybe it was better if he was dead_

 

 _But if I sing along_  
_A little fucking louder to a happy song_  
_I'll be alright_

 

Oli had been trying. It may not have seemed like it, but he was giving this his best efforts. He hadn't bullied his roommate into leaving, who he had learnt was the nameless male from the Matt incident, and he hadn't yet touched his drug stash hidden in the bathroom of their room.

That being said, he had only been here for a few days, and he was having serious withdrawal symptoms. He also hadn't even tried to communicate with his roommate, so whilst he hadn't bullied him, he hadn't been welcoming either.

Oli had therapy for the first time, and he wasn't looking forward to it. He had noted that he had the same therapy schedule as his roommate, meaning they had group therapy together. It wasn't something he was excited for, but the guy hadn't proposed as a problem yet, so as long as his friends weren't there, he would be fine.

_Boy, was he wrong._

It was his worst nightmare, and conveniently only held the male and his friends within the group. Oli seriously considered to stop breathing and die that way, but he decided against it, sitting as far away from them as possible.

It _did_ explain their friendship though.

 

"I assume you know why Vegan isn't joining us." The woman said, and Oli assumed she meant the incident with the butter knife. Lee winced, and the other Matt scoffed, sitting forward. Oli's roommate didn't have a response, only curling in on himself further, pulling his sweater down.

"No need to sugar coat it, Emma. He fucking dissociated into Vegan, say it how it fucking is."

"Matthew." Emma replied. "You need to calm yourself and not respond to every little thing with such aggression."

"But I'm right though, aren't I." He spat.

"Moving on-"

"I said, I'm right, aren't I!" Matt repeated, moving into his feet. Lee turned away, and Oli was sure he made some sort of noise of discomfort as Emma sighed.

"Matthew, if you don't calm yourself, I'll have no choice but to remove you." Emma sighed, writing on her clipboard.

"It's not Emma's fault, Matt." His roommate murmured. "Don't blame her, please."

"Whatever." Matt spat, slumping down in his seat. 

"Thank you, Jordan. As I was saying-"

Oli lost interest, looking at his roommate. Jordan suited him for a name, it was nice, like his personality. At least, it was better than Matt's. Although, a _brick wall_ had a better personality than Matt.

Emma rambled on about positive reinforcement and how positive thinking could trick your brain into positive feelings. Oli called bullshit, but he didn't dare question his therapist, seeing as he had to suffer with her for the rest of his time there. She seemed like a lovely lady, but he didn't doubt that  push came to shove, her lovely persona would disperse into some sort of monster.

Oli shook his head, looking up at Emma. He could see Jordan smile reassuringly out of the corner of his eyes, but he ignored the male.

"Perhaps we should all discuss our problems, seeing as we have a newcomer." Emma suggested. Lee looked at the ground, shrugging, and Matt rolled his eyes. Jordan seemed a little more positive, but even he lacked enthusiasm towards the idea.

"Why don't you start, Matt?" Emma asked politely, looking intently at the man. He scoffed.

"The fuck do you thinks wrong with me." He spat.

"More like what's right with you." Oli muttered, and Matt flinched, moving to stand before Jordan interrupted.

"Would it be easier if I started?" He offered. Matt turned to face him before sighing, nodding.

"I think it's rather obvious, but I'm anorexic." He admitted, pulling his sleeves over his hands. Lee smiled sadly, placing a hand on his shoulder confortingly, and Matt bit his lip. Oli was taken aback; sure, he rarely saw Jordan eat, and he was incredibly skinny, but he didn't think Jordan _actually_ had an eating problem.

"Is there anything else?" Emma asked sympathetically. Jordan seemed hesitant, but answered the question nonetheless.

"I'm bulimic." He sighed, looking away.

Oli released how crap of a roommate, and general person, he had been. Not only did the guy not eat, he then proceeded to force himself to puke it back up.

"Don't you also have an anxiety disorder?" Matt asked, though there was no malice in his tone. Jordan nodded, but didn't say anything.

"Lee's also diagnosed with anxiety, am I correct?" Emma asked. Lee nodded.

"Lee's also mute, and communicates with sign language, yes?" Emma continued. Lee nodded again, signing something to Emma, who apologised, smiling. 

She never stopped smiling, and it began to unease Oli.

"Shall we go back to Matt?" Emma asked.

"What's wrong with the other guy?" Oli asked, and Emma sighed.

"I shouldn't disclose other patients without permission, but you'll find out anyway. Kean, or Vegan as he's usually referred to, has dissociative identity disorder. Sometimes, he'll be Matt, and others he'll be Vegan." Emma explained. Oli nodded.

"I'm a drug addict." Oli admitted. Emma nodded sadly.

"I'm sorry to hear." She replied. "Is there any particular reason why?"

"Why the fuck do I have to disclose that but they don't?" Oli asked. Emma smiled.

"For another time, then. Matthew?"

"I'm fucking bipolar, what did you expect." He spat. Oli rolled his eyes.

"For you to have common decency." Oli retorted.

"Please dont." Jordan begged. "Just for once, can we have some peace? You'll end up in the same position as Kean if you continue."

"And you don't want that." Emma contributed. "Besides, you all clearly want to get better, and arguing isn't the way to go."

"Who says I want to get better?" Oli asked.

"You realise you have a problem, and all problems have to be solved." Emma explained. Oli rolled his eyes, but she did have a valid point.

"Therefore, you should all aim to help sort your problems. I want you to set little goals for yourself, nothing unreasonable, and something achievable." Emma stated. Oli nodded, disinterested.

"And remember, if you _think_ everything is positive, it _will_ be positive."

After leaving therapy, Oli returned to his room, declining Jordan and Lee's offer to hang out. All Oli could think of was Emma's positive words running through his head, even as he sat on the floor, his ketamine spread in tiny bags in front of him.

_I'll be alright I'll be alright I'll be alright_

 

 _You want to give up_  
_Gave it all that you've got and it still doesn't cut_

 

Oli didn't spend much time with his therapy _buddies_. Sure, he shared a room with Jordan and held the occasional small talk with him, but other than that, he didn't try to interact with them.

Sometimes, Lee would stay over, sleeping in Jordan's bed, though not sexually. It was merely for comfort, and it clearly calmed both of the anxious boys. Othertimes, it would be Vegan, who awkwardly laid with the anorexic boy, clearly uncomfortable to be in a room with Oli, yet valuing Jordan's comfort over his own.

Oli never saw Matt stay in their room, though. It was sort of saddening, seeing how the other two cared deeply for their friend, and Matt allowed Oil to get in the way of that, but Oli never mentioned it. It was none of his business, and maybe Matt didn't enjoy physical comfort.

It was a rare night that Jordan didn't have anyone in their room. It had been almost a week since their last therapy session, and both had managed to keep up on their goals.

Oli's had been straight to the point, to not relapse, whilst Jordan's had been a bit more complex. His had been to manage to finish a meal without being sick, or making himself sick. From what he had seen, it had taken Jordan a while to finish, and he hardly had much on his plate, but he managed to eat it and successfully keep it down.

However, on this particular night, Oli could tell things weren't too great for the guy. It started at lunch, with the male opting to sit with Oli over his friends, and when pushed for an explanation merely shrugged.

They had spent the rest of the day pent up in their room. It was in a comfortable silence, and the had been laying on the same bed, a respectful distance between them, but close enough for comfort.

Oli had only left to get a drink when he was faced with an empty room. Oli shrugged, assuming Jordan had gone to use the bathroom as he laid back down, hands placed carefully behind his head. However, a sob diverted his thoughts, and he quickly knocked on the door.

"Jordan?" Oli asked gently, lightly tapping on the door. He heard a gasp before Jordan opened the door, a flood of tears streaming down his face as he collapsed onto Oli, sobbing.

"What happened?" Oli whispered, running his back. Jordan kept sobbing, and Oli lowered them to the ground. He rhythmically rubbed his back, calming the male before he could work himself into a panic attack.

"I tried, I honestly did." Jordan hiccuped, wiping his eyes. "He just... I deserve-"

"Who told you that you deserved this?" Oli demanded. Jordan seemed fearful, but told Oli regardless.

"Matt." He mumbled. "B-but it was my fault! He isn't to-" 

"Bullshit. You should ignore him. He's an asshole at best, Jordan. Whatever he's said isn't true, and you didn't deserve this. I promise." Oli whispered, stroking his hair. Jordan nodded, resting his head on Oli's shoulder.

"Thank you."

Oli tilted his head at Jordan, confused.

" _They_ would've been mad." He mumbled, settling for a quick explanation. "I-I did try though!"

"Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, or how far trying gets you. In the end, it sometimes isnt good enough." Oli explained, and for some reason he had a song going through his head. He knew that wasn't the exact wording, but it'd make do.

After all, atleast Jordan was trying. That's more than Oli was.

_He tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end, it didn't even matter_

 

 _But if you sing along_  
_A little fucking louder to a happy song_  
_You'll be just fine_

 

Many of Oli and Jordan's nights consisted of close comfort, attempting to soothe the other through their problems. It was mainly broken promises of _it'll be okay_ , and _you'll get through this_ , but that wasn't what mattered. Sometimes, Lee and Vegan would join them, but once again, Matt was a no-show. 

Jordan had sat with him many nights when he was breaking down, the skinny male rocking him side to side as if he was a child. Withdrawal sucked, but it was bearable with Jordan holding him through it.

Oli had also began sitting with the four males for meals, sitting beside Jordan and Lee, and he'd encourage Jordan through his insecurities. Matt would sit silently through it, watching like a hawk, and the other two would usually make silent conversation through writing or signing.

One certain night had Oli particularly worried. Jordan had hardly eaten, and none of the other three bothered to show up and support Jordan. Sure, they all had problems, but the least they could do was support their friend. Oli could see how torn apart their friendship group was, and it was inconvenient at the critical timing of them needing to be together.

"Do you remember what Emma said?" Oli asked Jordan as they sat on the bathroom floor. Jordan had his eyes closed and his head resting on a wall, willing himself not to be sick.

"Emma says a lot of things. Anything particular you're on about?" Jordan asked, pulling his knees closer to himself. Oli rubbed his back, trying to provide him some sort of comfort.

"About positive thinking." Oli answered.

"S'just bullshit though. Doesn't help you get anywhere." Jordan stated.

"Neither will that attitude." Oli muttered, and Jordan winced. Oli quickly apologised.

"I thought that at first two, y'know?" Oli started. "What kind of bullshit was she expecting us to believe. But then I think about what my life could be. How much happier my life, and everyone else's around me, would be, and I finally understand what she means."

"If you think more positively, you aren't going to just immediately be better. But your actions will change, and the way you think will, and _that_ will get you better."

Jordan nodded, lifting his head away from the wall. He leaned forward uncertain, his arms wrapped around his stomach. Oli sat up, moving closer to the older male before Jordan slowly straightened up.

"I think you're right." He murmured. Oli nodded, smiling. "Thank you."

"Only person you have to thank is yourself." Oli replied. "And maybe Emma."

_He'll be just fine, eventually_

_Every now and again we get that feeling_  
_And the great big void inside us opens up_  
_And I really wish that you could help_  
_But my head is like a carousel_  
_And I'm going round in circles_  
_I'm going round in circles_

 

Oli had _thought_ everything was alright. His weekly therapy was going great, Jordan seemed more at ease with eating, he had managed to befriend Lee and Vegan _(both sides of the male)_ , and had a calmer... aquantainceship with Matt. It had been going great, the positive thinking was working wonders for him.

Until it suddenly wasn't.

Oli wasn't sure why it wasn't working. He _wanted_ to get better, he _believed_ he wanted to get better, he _was_ getting better. However, slowly the positive thinking began losing its effect, like a drug that was overused. 

Speaking of drugs, he was dying for another high. The drugs in his bathroom were taunting him, metaphorically screaming his name daily. He didn't want to relapse, seeing as it would set him so far back from his progress, but sometimes to recover, you have to get worse. He was empty without them, but couldn't remember what it was like with them. He could risk having a terrible experiance on them, or he could continue feeling empty.

There wasn't really a competition. Seeing as Jordan was staying in Lee and Vegan's room, Oli had the opportunity to get high without disappointing his friends.

Of course, life never was that easy for Oli though. Of course Jordan had left something in their room and just had to come and retrieve it whilst Oli was in the middle of his high.

"Oli?" Jordan called, quietly shutting their bedroom door. Oli cursed, locking the bathroom door, leaning against it, giggling. Jordan furrowed his eyebrows, knocking lightly on the door.

"Can you let me in?" Jordan asked, his voice so small that Oli actually began worrying for the petite male.

"S'evrything alrigh?" Oli slurred, giggling as if he were drunk.

"Just let me in?" Jordan repeated. Oli sighed, and after a couple of tries, managed to unlock the door. Jordan looked at him, sighed, before sitting beside him.

"Rough night?" Jordan asked. Oli shrugged, giggling.

"More like rough life." He laughed. Jordan nodded.

"Think we're all in the same boat." Jordan replied. Oli tilted his head, confused.

"You relapsed... right?" Jordan asked cautiously. Oli shrugged

"You tell me that, pretty boy." He slurred. Jordan sighed.

"We all relapse, Ol. You, me, Matt, Vegan- fuck even Lee relapses. It's a part of getting better." Jordan explained.

"So why aren't I?" Oli asked, almost sobbing. "Why the fuck are none of us better if we all relapse so much."

Jordan stated silent, settling by wrapping an arm around Oli, ignoring his question as he messaged Lee about the situation. Lee simply responded with his best wishes.

"You will get better, Ol. I promise. It might not feel like it, you might feel like you're going around in circles, but you will get better." Jordan whispered.

Jordan rocked them silently, and Oli couldn't help but feel like it was a broken proimse. Maybe Jordan was in denial, but it didn't seem like any of them were deemed to get better.

"You to, Jord." He muttered in response, resting his head on Jordan's shoulder before falling asleep on the cold tiles.

_Circles don't have an end for a reason_

 

 _We are possessed_  
_We're all fucked in the head_  
_Alone and depressed_

 

Having the group of friends he had gained, it was hard for Oli to feel alone. They all went through a lot together, and they certainly didn't let anyone suffer in silence. If they suffered through therapy and their relapses together, it was hard to believe that they was going to leave each other thr rest of the time.

Oli was thankful for this, usually. They spent free time as a group, and it had even helped solidify his friendship with Matt. However, this meant that because they spend so much time together, they also share their thoughts and concerns with each other.

"Do you think they use us?" Vegan asked. Oli tilted his head, looking confused at the blonde.

"What'dya mean?" Oli asked.

"Like, we're all fucked. Do you reckon they use us to make us think we want to get better? I don't ever remember wanting to get better, and now I suddenly do." Vegan explained.

"That's therapy for you." Jordan replied.

"But I don't remember making the conscious decision of wanting to get better." Vegan explained. Jordan faulted, pulling his sleeves over his hands.

 _You must've done_ , Lee wrote, _what could they have done otherwise?_

"The torture?" Vegan offered. Oli laughed.

"What torture?" He asked, clutching his side's from laughing. "The torture of people actually _caring_ for you to get better?"

"What do you think happened to Vegan after the knife incident?" Jordan asked softly.

"Probably got locked in a room til he went normal. Or saw a therapist. Simple as."

"Naive as fuck, you are." Matt muttered. Jordan smiled sadly.

"They use different methods of trying you to get out of your habit." Jordan explained. "They tried force feeding me once, and said if I was sick, they continue but up the amount of food until I kept it down."

"That's fucked up." Oli replied, shocked.

"If they found you during your high, imagine what they'd do to you." Jordan continued. "Why do you think I stayed? Why would I have looked after you? Because I know what it's like, how awful they are. I couldn't do that to you, and I _cared_."

"That's all people generally need. Is for someone to care." Matt added. Lee smiled sadly, nodding.

"You... How? It's not even legal, how can they-"

"Because it works. People are too afraid to not improve themself in honour of not going through it again." Matt explained. Oli's eyes widened.

"Surely Emma knows about this? Why isn't she doing anything?" Oli asked.

"She's just the same. You tell her that you've relapsed, she'll pretend to care, and then you suddenly have a bunch of men knocking at your door to take you away." Matt spat. "I hate her. She's just like the rest, but worse. She bothers to pretend to care."

"I really thought she cared." Oli whispered.

"We all did." Vegan added. "Shows how fucked we all are. See what I mean now though?"

"We are being used. Because its easy for them to use us."

_He really was possessed, so gullible because of his stupid fucking problems_

 

 _But if we sing along_  
_A little fucking louder to a happy song_  
_Maybe we'll forget_

 

Oli didn't really spend nights out of his and Jordan's room.  He'd occasionally join the other men in their rooms if they didn't stay at his, but he usually preferred the comfort of his room. Sometimes they wouldn't stay in any of the rooms at all, however it was usually a rare occasion, and they wouldn't stray far from their rooms in fear of being caught. 

What Oli was saying is that it had to be a good reason for him to leave the comfort of his bed at night to join someone else. Especially if they had given him no reason to. The boys didn't mind it, still offering him a space within their plans despite knowing that he'd decline, and Oli appreciated it.

It had been a cold night when they had gathered in Matt's room. Lee had asked Oil to just spend the night with them, and Oil wasn't one to refuse Lee. Call him soft, but he would've felt awful for making someone as anxious as Lee or Jordan ask him something with _confidence_ to just reject them.

He might've been a drug addict, but he wasn't heartless. None of his friends were.

They had gathered on Matt's floor, all sat or laid in a circle. He sat between Vegan and Jordan, who had rested his head on Oli's lap. They all made smal talk, enjoying the company that they had before Jordan started speaking.

"I... I don't think I want to get better." He admitted. "At least, not under their terms."

"Because it wouldn't be for yourself, right?" Vegan asked. Jordan nodded, sitting up. Oli patted his shoulder in support.

"Mate, I think we're all the same." Matt added.

"Don't you think that's wrong though? I'm here to get better, but I don't want to?" Jordan whispered, fiddling with his sleeves.

 _There's nothing wrong with that_ , Lee wrote.

"I don't think it's that you don't want to get better. I think it's that you don't want to get better because you fear what will happen if you don't." Oli explained. "Which is understandable."

"I... but-"

"Jordan, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to get better. Not under these fucked up terms." Matt told him. Lee nodded, rubbing Jordan's arm. Jordan smiled gratefully at him.

"If they find out I've said that, they'll kill me." He whispered, running his fingers through his hair.

"Forget about them." Oli muttered, "It's only us, we aren't going to hurt you."

"Thank you." Jordan whispered hoarsely, pulling his friends into a hug, which they all accepted. "You don't know how much you all mean to me."

_He just wished they weren't so traumatised by these fucked up people_

 

 

 

_Every now and again we get that feeling_  
_And the great big void inside us opens up_  
_And I really wish that you could help_  
_But my head is like a carousel_  
_And I'm going round in circles_  
_I'm going round in circles_

 

_Don't wake us up, we'd rather just keep dreaming_  
_'Cause the nightmares in our heads are bad enough_  
_And I really wish that you could help_  
_But my head is like a carousel_  
_And I'm going round in circles_  
_I'm going round in circles_

 

 

They sat in silence during therapy, and Oli gathered that Emma knew something. She was silent as well, observing them, not forcing them to talk. However, she couldn't stay silent forever, and the boys knew that they couldn't either.

The silence lasted for almost half an hour before Emma started speaking.

"Either you start talking about how everything's going, or you don't leave the room." She stated, standing up to grab some files. Oli knitted his brows together.

"But you can't do that." He protested. She turned around before smirking.

"Are you sure about that?" She questioned. "Who has authority here? Who would be listened to?"

Oli stated silent, shrinking in on himself. Vegan patted his shoulder in support, but Oli wasn't one to fight a losing battle.

"Should I help start conversation?" She offered, opening one of the five files. Oli felt sick to his stomach at the realisation of what they were. "Why don't we start with you, Oliver, seeing as you _clearly_ have a lot to say?"

He saw Matt clench his fists from the corner of his eye, and in the other saw Jordan curl further into himself, facing away from the group. Oli closed his eyes and sighed.

"Withdrawal's been a fucking dream, can't think of anything better to do with my life other than crying on a fucking bathroom floor." Oli spat. "Is that what you want to hear? You fucking happy now?"

"Language." Emma hissed. "I suppose it'll suffice, Oliver. Next?"

She placed his file down, closing it. She picked another one from the pile, smiling maliciously at the choice. 

"Jordan?" She asked calmly. "Would you like prompting or?"

"S'been fine." He mumbled, playing with the ends of his sleeve.

"You have to elaborate on that." Emma insisted, shaking her head. Jordan looked away.

"Like what." He muttered. She pursed her lips in anger.

"You know exactly what I want." She replied, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Well then, let's start from the beginning of the week." He said sarcastically. "I ate a small amount of lunch and fucking shoved my fingers down my throat. Same for the next day, and the one-"

Lee covered his ears with his hands, whimpering quietly. Matt shook his head at Emma, running the smaller males shoulder. Emma glared at Jordan.

"How _insensitive_ of you to mock these sessions. Wasting _my_ time as well as theirs, and then to further share your views of perfection in an attempt to jeopardize your friend's recovery." Emma muttered. Jordan flinched, and Oli wish he'd been the one to go off at Emma.

_"Maybe you should keep shoving your fingers down your throat. You're tolerable when silent."_

Oli's eyes widened, and Vegan coughed at the revelation. Lee gasped, covering his mouth afterwards. Matt chuckled, shaking his head.

"You're so fucked up, Emma." He laughed. "Thinking you can say whatever shit you want because it's your job. You can fucking rot in hell for all I care."

Matt stood, still laughing as he slapped Emma. 

"Matt, you can't fucking do that." Vegan shouted, pulling Matt away from Emma. Oli sat, frozen from shock. He never expected anyone to _hit_ Emma, but trust Matt to take it too far.

"Next time you wanna say shit like that, remember what the fuck will happen." Matt threatened before sitting down again.

_Maybe positive thinking hadn't been a dream, more so a nightmare_

 

 _The world has coalesced_  
_Into one giant mess_  
_Of hate and unrest_  
_So let's all sing along_  
_A little goddamn louder to a happy song_  
_And pretend it's all ok_

 

For some reason unknown to Oli, they hadn't held the best reputation at the institute since Matt's... incident. On a second note, Oli's seriousness hadn't been improving either.

They were being watched more than naughty school children would've been _(although, that's essentially what they were)_ and any glimpse of a relapse would cause an outrage within the workers.

Because of this, the group kept to themself, refusing to go to therapy and taking the alternative of hiding out in one of their bedrooms. It wasn't the best approach they could've had, but it was the only one they had got, so they had to make do.

 

"We should call ourselves Bring Me The Horizon." Jordan suggested, doodling on a notebook absent mindedly.

It had been a subject they had been dicussing a lot recently; a name for their reckless group, much like some of the other failed patients.

  
_Why?_ Lee signed.

  
"They want us to bring ourselves a horizon of happiness and recovery. Instead, we'll bring them a horizon of hell." Jordan explained. Oli's eyes lit up, and he straightened up, intrigued by Jordan's idea.

"Sounds good." Vegan commented. "Isn't it like that movie though?" 

"Movie?" Jordan asked.

"Nevermind." Vegan sighed. "Perhaps it's just me being insane."

"I recognise it too, but I don't think it's anything significant." Matt added. "Reckon we should go for it."

 _So we're all agreed then?_ Lee signed. Jordan smiled.

 _We are._ He signed back.

"We should go bring them their horizon of hell." Matt smirked. Lee knitted his eyebrows together in worry, and Jordan smiled sadly.

"Perhaps just the three of us, if you're in Vegan." Oli suggested. Vegan nodded.

"Sounds good to me." He replied eith a devilish smirk.

They didn't need to cause any hell, though. Like the five Sheffield lads, many of the other patients had grew a mass of hatred for the institute and its workers, and had all been causing riots and upraws.

_No one had a happy song anymore_

 

_S.P.I.R.I.T._  
_Spirit, let's hear it (well, that's the spirit)_

 

_S.P.I.R.I.T._  
_Spirit, let's hear it (yeah, that's the spirit)_

 

_"Institute shutdown after failing to deny allegations of torturous acts"_

Oli turned to face the screen, his head resting in Lee's lap, his legs in a mess with Matt's. After years of torture and pain, they had finally managed to escape from the hell they had been placed into, and Oli had even reconnected with his brother. Tom was understanding, and perhaps a bit too apologetic for Oli's liking, but the fact his brother was at his side without hating him meant too much for Oil to complain about.

Ever since leaving, he had successfully gotten himself off drugs. It hadn't been easy, but with the support of his friends and Tom, he had managed to stay clean for years, with no relapses. The rest of the boys had similar stories. Whilst Lee was still quiet and more comfortable with sign language he still did offer his voice in conversations. Jordan wouldn't always eat the amount he should, but he no longer was sick after eating. Vegan was just a mere nickname for the taller Matt, and it was just a small reminder of what they had all achieved together. As for the other Matt, he wasn't as near as angry as he was before, still having a few episodes, but he had really calmed down and chilled out.

"That's the fucking spirit." One of the boys shouted, and Oli nodded against Lee's leg. 

"We should call our next album that." Oli suggested. 

The Bring Me The Horizon thing had really taken off. It had started as a group of kids who wishes for an escape, and it had ended up being a band that helped other people escape. Vegan had also been right about the name being from a movie, but no one told him that.

"I second that." Jordan added, curling up into Vegan's side.

"Third it." Lee murmured.

"It's agreed then, right Matt?" Vegan stated. Matt nodded.

_He started his journey with spirit, and he continues it with spirit. Yeah, that really was his spirit._

 

**_END_ **

 

 


End file.
